Beyond Small Talk: Building Deeper Connections
“Hi, how are you?”
“Good.”
“How are things?”
“Can’t complain.”
“How was the vacation?”
“So beautiful, I really enjoyed it.”
“The kids are well?”
“Everyone’s doing great.”
Polite chit-chat tends to stay positive and just barely skim the surface of people’s experiences.
Of course, there are social norms, and I am not suggesting that people spill all their woes and
troubles in the grocery aisle or at the shul kiddush. However, when the connection between
family members remains at surface level, it is an unfortunate loss of what could potentially be a
deep relationship. Family members that get along well can develop their connection to become
a built-in support system for one another, with all of the benefits that a deep emotional
relationship brings with it.
The ability to build a deep connection is not something to take for granted.
In some families, there are mental health issues that preclude emotional closeness; personality
disorders would be an example of this. In other families, there may not be a diagnosable mental
health issue, but perhaps other factors such as traumas that prevent access to healthy
attachment skills, or simply a lack of developed emotional skills.
The awareness of emotions, including recognizing and expressing feelings, is one of the
foundational elements of good communication and close relationships.
One of the very common struggles I have noticed, as people attempt to deeply connect to
themselves and with others, is the ability to recognize, name, and manage feelings. It seems
like before we can even talk about basic feelings identification, there needs to be a level of
comfort for the following ideas:
● All feelings are okay (there are no ‘bad’ feelings); and
● It is acceptable to make space for all kinds of feelings.
The idea of ‘making space’ means noticing what is going on within and taking the time to think
about it. It is the idea that thoughts and feelings are important and worthy of being noticed and
tended to. It may be easier to ‘sweep it under the rug’ or brush things off by saying things like
“it’s not really a big deal” or “people have it way worse”. What would it feel like to tell yourself: I
am allowed to feel things! I am allowed to have needs! Try saying these phrases to yourself
now, and notice the response in your system.
“I wish I could tell my mother about the basic challenges I have with my kids,” Amy shared.
“Like, even just to call her at the end of the day and share my exhaustion or frustration. But I just
know how these conversations go... she would probably say something like ‘that’s how kids are’
or ‘that’s how it is when you are raising toddlers’. I would love to be able to share my daily
experiences but I end up feeling so invalidated. It makes me feel even more frustrated and
creates distance.”
Sometimes, religion can be used in a misguided way when feelings are swept away with ‘gam
zu letova/this too is for the good/everything that happens is for the best’ or ‘it was bashert/meant
to be’. These phrases can be used to whitewash experiences that need actual processing and
may be better off used as part of that process.
“The loss was incredibly difficult. But I know everything G-d does is for the best.”
Faith can be an incredible source of strength and hope, but it does not mean that the feelings
connected to an experience just dissolve.
When looking for connection, there needs to be a supportive environment, where feelings are
heard and responded toward with empathy and validation. This kind of supportive environment
needs to be in place for both people in the relationship. It is not fair to place the burden on one
family member, or one spouse, to be the sole supporter in the support system.
“I am listening, soothing and validating my spouse constantly. I think I am being supportive. But
when it comes to my feelings, my spouse tends to brush them off and doesn’t seem to realize
that I need empathy and validation, too.”
If it ends up being one main person who is constantly relied upon to provide physical and/or
emotional support, there may be an unhealthy imbalance and there is no mutual benefit in that.
“Emma has pretty strong opinions,” said Liam. “Even if I don’t agree with her perspective, I don’t
bother sharing my side of things because, what’s the point? It just creates conflict and drama.”
A lack of conflict does not signify a good relationship. In fact, it is more likely to signify the
opposite- that there is not enough of a safe and secure emotional connection to engage in
meaningful conversations. Conflict does not need to be avoided, but it does need to be
managed so that even intense differences of opinion can be tolerated in a relationship. When
there is a sense of ease around making space for feelings and sharing feelings, conflict
becomes a space for people to connect. This is where not all communication is equal, and
expressing oneself with good communication skills is necessary.
Staying positive and light can keep a relationship pleasant, but it might not feel as supportive,
loving, and connected as you would like.
If you are looking to grow closer to your loved ones, here are some steps you can take:
Name them: Practice recognizing your own feelings. I recommend using a feelings
wheel to increase your feelings vocabulary and get an accurate idea of what you are
experiencing (this goes way beyond happy, sad, and mad). Brene Brown’s book, ‘Atlas
of the Heart’, can be a good resource to understand and become comfortable with
feelings.Self soothing techniques: Consider what you need to implement to become more
comfortable managing reactions that come along with more intense feelings. Your
nervous system needs to know you are safe, so practice these techniques first when you
are calm.Make space: Practice sitting with feelings, even those that are sometimes challenging to
sit with. (Make sure you have the self soothing techniques in place before you do this!)Communicate: To enhance a relationship with deeper connection, share your thoughts
and feelings, and practice empathy and validation. Not all communication is equal! A
raised voice or the silent treatment are both examples of unhealthy communication.
Practice the skills that a good communicator needs.
If the goal is to draw closer to your loved ones, these steps are a way to begin implementing
positive change. As the saying goes ‘old habits die hard’, so don’t become discouraged if it
takes longer than expected. Intention, practice, and repair is the way to go.
While the situations described here may resemble real-life experiences, they are fictional examples created to illustrate common themes and are not based on any specific individuals or clients.
This article was originally published in the 5TJT.
