Connecting through Communication
Much of the work I do with clients in session centers around relationships. Whether I’m working with a couple or with an individual, these are some of the common relationships where issues present: marriage, children, parents, in-laws, siblings, neighbors, and friends.
Time and time again, what I notice are patterns that perpetuate, either through generations or through an individual who persists in certain behaviors even though they are completely unhelpful to the relationship.
While communication is certainly an important part of relationships, it is a broad topic. Let’s explore some of the areas where communication tends to get stuck or derailed.
1. Emotions:
The ability to recognize and name emotions, and by extension, feeling comfortable with emotion and learning emotional regulation is a major part of being able to communicate…emotions!
Gila and Don were stuck in a cycle where there was little understanding of the other. Don would do something to upset Gila, or Gila would do something that bothered Don, but they were not able to discuss it effectively because it was hard for them to talk about emotions. In fact, understanding what they were feeling was unclear; they were only able to recognize that it felt ‘bad’ or ‘uncomfortable’.
In therapy, they learned to identify and normalize emotion, and were able to figure out what they each needed to help manage their emotions.
For Gila, it was using grounding techniques to help keep her in the present moment. For Don, emotional regulation meant naming his feelings and using cognitive challenging to manage the accompanying thoughts that were only escalating the intensity of his feelings.
Once Gila and Don were able to recognize and manage their feelings, they were able to share their experiences with one another in a way that helped them feel heard and supported.
People so badly want to feel heard, respected, and cherished. Feeling safe with emotions can lead to feeling safe in relationships.
2. Needs
Similarly to emotions, prior to expressing needs it is important to know what one’s needs are. Focusing on what the other person is doing wrong diverts from attention to what is actually needed.
Shari watched her husband, Moshe, eating the meal she had prepared. She waited for a compliment, and finally she burst out, “You don’t seem to notice how much effort I put into this meal!”
Moshe was confused. “I’m really enjoying it. I just didn’t say anything to you yet, give me a chance!”
To Shari, it was very important to receive compliments. Once she was able to identify her need for compliments, she was better able to communicate that need.
“I feel appreciated when you compliment me on my cooking, and I like knowing how you are enjoying the food after you taste it rather than waiting until the end of the meal.”
Now Moshe was able to give Shari what she needed, without feeling blamed or attacked in any way.
Cindy went over to her neighbor’s house at 3:00 pm to help her set up for a community barbecue. Sasha had already done a good amount of the work and breezily assured Cindy that she had everything under control. Later, at the barbecue, Sasha commented to Cindy, “It took me hours to prepare for this. It was a really big job.” Cindy was not sure how to interpret Sasha’s comment and felt guilty. She would have been happy to come earlier in the day. If Sasha would have been attuned to her own needs and been a better communicator, she could have called Cindy earlier in the day to ask for help. Stoically shouldering the brunt of the work and then feeling resentful did not help Sasha meet her needs and certainly did not engender positive feelings in her relationship with Cindy.
When there is a clear understanding of one’s needs, communication can include telling the other person what is wanted in that moment, whether it is a compliment, a helping hand, a validating comment, eye contact, or anything else. The key here is to be clear about what the need is and also clear about getting that message across, being as specific as possible.
3. Apologizing
A genuine apology can go a long way. When a person takes responsibility for their actions or behaviors, they can move towards repair.
“I’m sorry you had such a hard time growing up in this house!”
“I’m sorry you don’t like when I’m late.”
“I’m sorry for causing you distress, I didn’t mean to.”
These statements can leave one feeling misunderstood, guilty, and aggravated; they do not imply responsibility and understanding. Instead, making it clear that a specific action is regretted and sincerely expressing an understanding of the ramifications can go a long way. It is also important to show that one is sincerely willing to learn, grow and repair, by asking or stating what the plan is for the incident to be dealt with differently in the future.
“I wish I had thought more about your feelings. Is there anything I can do to rebuild your trust?”
“I wish I could take it back. I will do my best to react differently in the future.”
These statements express regret and demonstrate a sincerity to act differently in the future. Of course, it is most important to follow through on these, to ‘walk the walk’ and not just ‘talk the talk’.
4. Gratitude
While there are certainly times when a smile and a ‘thank you’ may suffice, one may want to reflect on whether their compliments sound like judgments or manipulation.
“You are so good at organizing events!”
“You are so fast at cleaning up.”
Marshall Rosenberg, in his book “Nonviolent Communication,” observed the three components of appreciation as follows:
The actions that have contributed to our well-being
The particular needs of ours that have been fulfilled
The pleasure full feelings engendered by the fulfillment of those needs
Peri struggled to express gratitude; she seemed to view it as vulnerable to show appreciation.
Goldie felt gratitude was not necessary for things that were supposed to be done anyway.
Both of these women explored their innate resistance to gratitude and learned how powerful gratitude could be in a relationship.
Expressing gratitude can enhance relationships and foster closeness and affection.
Emotions, needs, apologies, and gratitude are only some of the ways in which communication shows up in relationships, but they are quite foundational in relationships and certainly bear self-reflection.
While the situations described here may resemble real-life experiences, they are fictional examples created to illustrate common themes and are not based on any specific individuals or clients. This article was originally published in the 5TJT.
