Generational Trauma
Do you feel like you are a better parent to your children than your parents were to you?
Loaded question, I know.
The truth is, it seems that most parents genuinely try their very best to give their children everything they can. Often, people parent the way they themselves were parented. Studies on intergenerational trauma show that children’s lives are shaped not only by their own experiences but also their parents’ experiences years before they were born. Without exploring one’s own experiences, thus noticing the long term effect of one’s own parents, cycles tend to repeat.
How does generational trauma start?
And, how does it end?
When someone experiences a trauma, or an adverse childhood experience, the effects of a trauma can show up in the way they relate to their child. These behaviors are passed down to the next generation and become embedded in the family. Intergenerational trauma occurs when the effects of trauma are passed down between generations. In addition to large scale events (such as the Holocaust), exposure to childhood abuse, divorce, poverty, or emotional neglect can result in generational trauma.
Interestingly, people are all impacted differently, and siblings growing up in the same home may experience their childhoods very differently from one another. Besides for each child having a different nature, it is also interesting to note the parents’ response to the varied natures of the children. Age and stage of the parent have a lot to do with this experience as well.
I see so many adult children who are desperate for an emotionally close relationship with their parents, and their parents are just not able to show up in that capacity at all.
When clients bring up the desire for a different kind of relationship with their parent(s), the concepts of nature versus nurture as well as generational trauma often arises. While many are hesitant to explore these concepts, not wishing to look down or think negatively about their parent(s) in any way, I want to clarify that exploring generational trauma is not about blaming parents. Often, understanding the impact is more important than pathologizing the behavior when it comes to self-exploration (although sometimes, pathologizing the behavior can be a helpful reflection as it separates emotion and intention from the actual actions.)
Some effects of generational trauma can manifest in these ways:
having a judgemental or complicated relationship with one’s children;
Issues with body image, food and weight;
Feeling ‘not good enough’ and striving for perfection;
Staying busy so no need to think too much.
Holiday times, when people are typically meeting with family more than usual, can be a very triggering environment, and generational trauma may show up again in these situations.
Emma was going to her mom’s house for the weekend, and she had several concerns. “I don’t know how I will react if she comments on my outfit, the way it fits, or if she says anything about what I put on my plate,” she worried aloud. Emma was dreading interactions with certain family members, who in the past had really challenged her sense of self, her self esteem and had left her feeling down about her body image. “My mom used to make negative comments to me about my eating habits,” Emma continued. “If she wasn’t talking about my food, she was talking about hers. I’m finally in a space where I am learning new, healthier approaches to food and in other areas of my life. I don’t know how to handle an extended weekend with her.”
“I didn’t feel completely comfortable being myself, and to this day I don’t think my mom ‘gets me’, like really understands and accepts me for who I am,” shared Lena. “Whenever I would try to confide in her, or share something that was bothering me, she would say something that she thought was comforting, like ‘it’s all for the best!’ but it felt totally invalidating to me.”
Whether relationship struggles are due to generational trauma or one’s nature, here are some suggestions on how to manage reactivity in a relationship:
In the parent role: The way parents relate to their children is often a learned behavior, and so it is a good idea to question the thoughts or feelings that come up. Instead of making a certain comment, it can be powerful to question why you were about to make that comment (e.g.‘That’s a big slice of cake!’). Is your child’s behavior truly bothering you, or is this just how things were always done in your home and this is what you are used to?
In the adult child role: Notice the physical and emotional reactions that come up within you. You now get to choose if you want to take the emotion or comment in, on a deeper level. Do you want to accept the feedback? If you come prepared, with realistic expectations, it can help to feel more stable in an emotionally challenging environment.
Whatever your role is in a relationship, the following tips can help you face potentially triggering situations:
Stay in your ‘adult’ self: know what to expect so you can think about how you want to handle it without reverting to the responses you had as a child.
Recognize the power of your thoughts. When thoughts build up, emotions are heightened, and at that point it can be hard to focus on managing a situation. Keep your thoughts in a place that feels ‘safe’ using grounding techniques.
Feelings identification: the more you recognize what you are thinking and feeling (e.g. ‘I’m taking up too much space’ or ‘I’m not good enough’/shame, guilt), the easier it will be to let go of those thoughts and feelings. Having clarity of the thought/feeling will allow you to pull out of the spiral by leaning into it, validate for yourself, and challenge whether you want to stay in the thought or leave it behind.
There are so many different relationship styles, and as many people are survivors of generational trauma (e.g. descendants of Holocaust survivors), I do think that it is common for relationships to need deep work on connection, authenticity, communication, and boundaries.
The effect of trauma can be powerful and long lasting, but the awareness of what you are carrying allows for compassionate repair, so you can break free and make conscious choices to manage thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and relationships in the way that you truly want to.
While the situations described here may resemble real-life experiences, they are fictional examples created to illustrate common themes and are not based on any specific individuals or clients.
This article was originally published in the 5TJT.
