Warning: Expectations Ahead!
Have you ever gone hiking?
In June, I took a short trip to Black Rock, a state park in Connecticut, where I spent an hour on a moderately difficult hiking trail. The hike was a steep climb up, on rocky and branch filled terrains, with choices of difficulty levels and different available paths. I will admit that at one point, there was a path that was taken by accident, which led to nowhere, and required a route recalculation! At the top of the climb there was a breathtaking mountain view followed by a steep climb down (steeper than I expected!).
Hiking is very much a reflection of life. It is a journey. It is complex. You may be aiming for one path and land on another. You may confront unexpected stumbling blocks. You may have planned for the beginner route and landed on the advanced route.
“Help! This is not what I expected!”
When expectations are unmet, frustration or disappointment are likely to follow. In session, it is not uncommon (particularly in relationships), for people to share about unmet expectations. It truly is challenging to find oneself in a position that is unexpected, whether it is in regards to relationships, occupation, personal growth, or any other goal.
Shani* shared about her relationship with Tzvi. “I always expected my husband to buy me beautiful gifts, like my dad bought my mom. But Tzvi isn’t big on lavish gifts, even on my birthday.” Shani’s reactions included feeling distressed, down, and uncared for. Tzvi was surprised by Shani’s strong feelings in reaction to something that he considered to be trivial and unimportant. Tzvi said, “Whenever special occasions come around, I try to do something fun with her to celebrate but she just seems disappointed.”
Shani and Tzvi need to learn how to communicate to each other in a way that expresses not only their feelings in regards to a certain matter, but also, the story that is playing out for them behind the scenes. For example, Shani can express her perception behind the expectation of receiving gifts to Tzvi by saying, “Gifts are meaningful to me, because gifts are a tangible representation of your love.”
It is helpful to practice clear communication within a dynamic, as sometimes one may think they are communicating clearly, and yet it still may not be received clearly by the listener. When one is in a relationship, by definition, another person is involved, and that person will have their own expectations, experiences, needs, and challenges. Often it is not what the person does or does not do to fulfill their partner's needs and expectations, but rather, the assumptions that people make about each other that escalates the reaction.
In addition to communicating more clearly, it is possible that when Shani explores her reaction, she may come to a different realization. “Growing up I saw my dad buying gifts for my mom, so I have this expectation that my spouse should be buying me gifts. Actually, though, I much prefer when Tzvi demonstrates caring by spending time with me rather than expensive purchases.”
Expectations can arise out of peer pressure, out of genuine feelings or desires, and also out of habit or routine.
Exploring the feeling and drive behind the expectation is important because it can lead to more thorough and effective communication. Knowing why you expect what you do can help you evaluate whether your expectations are healthy and realistic. If they aren’t, that is a further springboard for personal growth!
For many people, expectations often fall short of reality, and often it is simply a matter of the expectations not being communicated with others. If expectations are not shared, negative emotions (such as disappointment, regret, etc.) are practically inevitable as it is almost impossible for others to guess what your expectations are. This includes relationships that are extremely close, even between spouses. While many are hesitant or reluctant to have to spell things out for their spouse, it is a worthwhile investment for the quality of the relationship.
Clients often say to me, “But he/she should just know!”, or, “I’ve said it so many times before!”.
If this resonates, please keep these three thoughts in mind:
Loving somebody dearly does not turn one into a mind reader.
Check your communication- you may have felt that it was communicated clearly, but is there a better way?
Give the other person the benefit of the doubt, and try to put things in context rather than applying judgment on their character.
Whatever the relationship type, verbalizing clearly is helpful because it clarifies so many misunderstandings, whether based on expectations or anything else. This is relevant between spouses, parents and children (adult and otherwise!), neighbors, friends, employer/employees, teachers, and even therapists! People are usually well meaning, but they cannot always know what is expected of them. Even after having a discussion with someone, they may fall back into old habits. Please do not be discouraged by this, as it does take time for new habits to form.
As with hiking, one sets off on a certain path filled with expectations. The terrain may change, forcing re-evaluation. If it is the right path, forge ahead!- albeit with modifications as needed. One may come to the conclusion that this isn’t the right path after all and seek one that is more conducive to their skill and ability.
Ultimately, when freeing oneself of expectations, it is easier to find peace along the journey and enjoy the present.
While the situations described here may resemble real-life experiences, they are fictional examples created to illustrate common themes and are not based on any specific individuals or clients.
This article was originally published in the 5TJT.
